I have been very proactive on getting my mental health on track. Learning neat tips and tricks of how to own my mental health and be okay with myself when it takes over. The most important thing for me is knowing that it will get better. And guess what, it does. I think now that I am in this space where shit happens and I take care of myself on my own. It has been difficult to lean on or share my depressive/anxiety episodes to my significant other (SO) because I feel like it is MY problem. I don’t know if I want him to see how destructive my thinking can be, so hateful and sad about myself. All my thoughts will go against every “I love you” he has said to me and somehow creating reasons why he will leave me, my family will disown me, my friends ashamed of me and my work place disappointed in me.
With only two weeks left of school, my anxiety had been at a whole time high y’all. The stress has caused physical manifestations like sore muscles, piercing headaches and fogged up thoughts. Then BOOM!!…triggered my depression! and nobody got time for that!…truly. Anyways, my depression creates a slowed, intoxicated-like version of myself. The hate I have for myself will transform into shame and disgust. It equated to me failing to get out of my bed, let alone turn in assignments or papers when my head can’t process new information.
It sounds easy right? Just get out of bed, stand up and start your day. But it’s paralyzing, depression feels like, work with me here; the sandman forgot his sand bag in my room and he left, the sand just kept me asleep and tired. No matter what, it leaves me so weak and indifferent about the outside world. Texts, calls, emails are ignored but it just keeps me feeling bad for ignoring them. This wouldn’t just last three days, it can last for months on end with no sign of getting better. I know now, I am winning and I have the skills to understand and overcome depression and anxiety.
The real struggle was what could my partner do while I am in these episodes to make life easier. How could I lean on him without feeling like I am overwhelming him or pushing him away from me. He says he will be there for me and he is. Recently I started really listening to him and hearing him say “how can I help you” and I didn’t know how to ask for it. So took initiatives, even if it’s not a big deal it still alleviate some stress from me. An example, he found a book I needed for an assignment when I thought I had to drive so far back home where I left it. He still kisses and hugs me no matter how much I mean mug him. But the most significant thing is that he asked me to do is spend more time with him. I didn’t know why he thought that would be good for me because it would be either make me feel good or just sadder. Going to sleep with him specially I found myself wanting him to hold me more. To be cuddled completely by his body and I didn’t want to let go. Never have I received comfort during my episodes as much as I did falling asleep with him. And I now realize that I need physical touch with the purpose of giving me love not pity or sorrow. Love honestly was what I needed that night and it allowed me to regain energy that I needed to get myself out of bed compared to before.
The most important thing for me though is to know that I can tell him what is working for me and what isn’t. How perhaps, one thing that worked yesterday won’t work today. So asking for more space, more love, etc. I know that when he asks me how he can be there for me. I’ll say that loving me more and receiving my love is the best remedy for my health at this moment. ❤
Thank you for reading! 😀
Comment on how your relationships (any kind) has helped you through hard times.