Over the past year and a half, I have gained weight enough to change my clothing size and became a little bit more plum on my hips, stomach and ass. As a society, it would seem that my body type is ideal because weight gained transferred to my ass/hips and thighs. From the outside I have a desired body and the opinions I hear whenever I express dissatisfaction of my body, I am told there is nothing to complain about. Because I am gaining it in the right places, 20 pounds isn’t a lot and all I need is to workout again, it will shred off. Downsizing my experience and bring the concern back to their own problems WITH THEIR BODY.
But I am learning that this weight isn’t just an external physical change but I really feel ill everyday, I feel exhausted easily and tense. Mentally it seems getting back to being healthy is a far future. At times, it feels nonexistent that I used to be healthy, stable and my reflexes were quicker and relaxed. With the many random things I am justifying to be mean to my body isn’t making it any better. It makes it easier to see the symptoms of my weight gain but not really addressing the way I have already given up before I tried changing my habits to accommodate my changing body because I can’t sit around and wait. So I’ll address my demonic self-talk about parts of my body I can see and the limitations I am placing on them. Here we go:
My tiger stripes are turning into darker zebra strips. More are growing in other areas where it wasn’t existing and man it sucks to see them increase and flourish on my body.
I can’t look down without my belly obstructing my womanly mound when I am naked. Can’t fit into my jeans anymore and when I manage to get it over my belly, I can barely breath. Girl I have to unbutton every part of the jean when you drive, sit anywhere, after eating, drinking, laying down then trying to stand up too fast.
It got bigger, bigger than I can handle, enough to elicit stares from all. New environments worry me when I get glances and side eyes. Standing up to walk, I need to brace myself, ready to feel the stares behind me. My ass is too big, saggy and my hips takes up space. In any bottoms, it protrudes, almost wanting to stick out and make me feel like a target.
It’s so hard to deal with, it grows so slow, then the curls get so tight. It doesn’t help when its the most coarse, tangled unwanted form of African hair. With looser curls deemed more appropriate. When I don’t know how to work with it, I gave up and wore head wraps for weeks. Tired of constantly manipulating and looking in the mirror disliking it more every time. when it shrinks, I lose my femininity, my sexuality questioned. Stretched and long enough I am obligated to make it more glamorous and ever changing styles to suit the times. Sometimes it feels like my hair is not mine, its for the Black Gods to approve every time I left my home.
These are a recurring places on my body I pay attention too, I notice, I see about myself. I know many are grappling with knowing that damn I am beautiful the way I am, however, I grow. But I want to acknowledge the complexity of still feeling positive while having days of feeling down. Which is completely normal. If we spend time obsessing over the specifics on our body, we will never be satisfied with the temple we created. So when I think about it I focus on if I am healthy, body and mind. So this is how I am combating it:
I Talk About It – Talk to others out there because best believe they feel some type of way too. Compliment each other and help each other find the beauty in the flaws you see. And when you do so, also Listen to other’s experiences.
Go Out – Go do one thing you enjoy once a week or however your budget allows to just have fun. No pressure, movie, party, live concert bar, paint, freaking take a walk and let your mind wonder. You will be how easy it is to forget about it.
Practice Healthy Habits– Don’t go to any end of both extremes of giving up completely or finding any crazy way to “fix” the flaw. So perhaps sleeping more is good for you, writing out your thoughts, take a dance class to keep active, not doing work on your bed. Habits that would glorify and respect your body.
It’s easier said than done but when executed for long periods, the results would be worth it. So love your body, it holds your glorious heart and mind. While you learn to love your body, know I am always learning to love mine.
Thank you for reading!
Comment below the way you are learning to love you body? Do you have more negative than positive thoughts? Perhaps what has worked for you