Intent Vs Impact

The destruction and creation of friendships is always happening on the sidelines of our lives. Until we find that sweet spot of friends that are enough not to drive you crazy but are there with you to BE crazy. I have been fortunate to have met plenty of people from multitudes of places to be my friends. From college classmates reminding me of assignments to my friends in Zambia who still remember the idiot version of myself, but let’s also remember I was a preteen so suck it. Anyways, right now my circle is small. Which honestly made college and life easier to deal with, with each person involved in their own journey of self-discovery. Supporting and celebrating each unique story was fun as hell! When your girl wins a competition you feel like you did too, when they get a boyfriend or girlfriend, we got one too. When they failed and fell, we felt it too, it was great. We followed similar values and when they were challenged in the friendship, we acknowledged it. Basically shit was working well…Until recently I realized how much more I needed communication and trust in friendships as I would in a romantic relationship.  

My intent was to build a better relationship because I valued them in my life and wanted to be comfortable with them. My other girlfriends were doing the same with their friends and family and it was so cleansing. But this didn’t work for everyone, sometimes it really just means ending a relationship for the betterment of our lives. My purpose wasn’t wrong but the impact it had though positive in other instances, this time it was negative. And everyday after, I wonder if I approached it wrong, if I was bugging, if I was expecting too much, none of my business. But at the end of the day I wanted to mend our relationship, get a chance to talk and hear each other out.

men sits of sofa

See, we pursued different pathways but we all started from the same spot. We wanted to do better for ourselves and our families. We worked as hard as we could, with a few tumbles and fumbles but we watched each other grow. As time past by, we changed with it and eventually started to have new experiences without each other there. It wasn’t until it came to my attention that something was wrong. Somewhere in the timeline people’s voices weren’t heard, problematic shit was allowed to pass by and we weren’t really challenging each other’s shit. I wasn’t any better, barely divulged my problems and yet I knew about their histories and stories. I made my close friends feel like I don’t value their input, they care or feedback. They didn’t know my real struggles I was dealing with, it was one-sided. So I started telling them each I felt…when I was ready…at my pace. Told them how I wished they were here for me a certain way and how I think they are such a gem in my life and all the other shit I wanted to say for years. They told me the same, it was such a tear-jerked time for everyone I talked to. And trust me the courage took weeks and the recovery took months until I could speak to the next person. 

What hurt me the most was that our relationship wasn’t given a second thought, our years together was thrown away and our friendship was disregarded. Man it burns! It burns to know that my efforts were one-sided. I wanted more and she was okay with mediocre, she was irreplaceable but I can be replaced. It felt like I broke up with someone and couldn’t understand the dysfunction. But you see, I didn’t see it until recently. Our friendship was falling apart the moment she felt unheard, unloved by me. A hand was held out for her to reach… and she slapped it back. I am hurt at all the ambiguity right now. The script has been written and our relationship is toxic. So for the betterment of our lives, I will leave it on this blog, in this writing to say I am done. Its impact to me, heal, reminisce and keep moving on.

Won’t lie I hoped she tripped on something but not enough to fall or hurt herself. But just enough to take a second thought and reflect about her life choices.

Cool… yeah that happened, you just read me hoping for a tiny glitch in her life, let’s be honest, you probably did it before too. But I want it to be understood that this is a life course that truly happens in people’s lives and it just so happened in mine. It will keep happening, gaining and losing relationships. The bright side is it leaves us with room for healthy relationships with a space to be ourselves. So this experience and others like it is needed, just remember it will be better at the end of the day.

Thank you for reading!
Think of a time you lost a relationship, how did you process it?

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