I am scared to leave the honeymoon stage, terrified, it gives me goosebumps thinking about how my lover will eventually stop looking at me longingly. Me stopping to have the urge to caress his hair. His addiction to shower me with kisses and need to sleep in his arms. My past relationships have ended before the end of the honeymoon phase so I don’t know what goes beyond that, how long until I feel the rest of the love that isn’t a head rush of brain nerves and chemicals heighten by lust and longing.
I want to love and long with him for a long time but feels like an experience that’s too good to be real. Like that feeling you get after you get an A in your final exam even through you didn’t study. Or managed to complete all your day tasks with extra time left. And you just sit there in disbelief wondering if someone or something will soon come and remind you that all of that was a mistake, luck and perhaps are magical entity gave you the grades and a longer time. Love to me feels this way, it doesn’t belong to me, it’s all a mistake, he made a mistake and I will wreck this beautiful story.
So I call upon myself to owning my beautiful story and looking into my mind and heart. And I won’t lie, I don’t have a solution of how to get out of this funk, truly can’t conceptualize a solution but the things that are keeping me going is waking up in the morning saying I love you even when he’s not around, voicing it in my empty room to give it an ambiance of happiness in a world full of hate.
I am surprisingly living in the moment. Because strategies and planning a perfect love life is crazy because WE HUMANS ARE CRAZY. But the easiest thing to do for me is to hold my partner’s hand and tell myself “I belong here”. I can’t wait for him to write a post and I learn how his feelings in this relationship. His my honeymoon after classes and work, were we discuss what to eat or where to study. I am sure whatever it is, we are both living in the moment. Taking beautiful naps and procrastinating to do our work.
Thank you for reading! Please comment or send your moments of anxiety of losing your romantic relationships? Did it end? How did it work out? Let’s laugh and have an “AH HA!” moment together.