Love is hard to come by, at least for me. I am highly sensitive and naive of how manipulative it can be. In my on chaotic island of a mind, I believe there is a time in place for appreciation and be adored. A place where I can freely speak my truth to someone who enjoys my elements and shadows. My partner trusting his vulnerability with me, challenging and stimulating each other life. Unfortunately it’s always a reach to think that we can be each other’s oasis. Like any other human capable intimacy, I have had many close instances of love and infatuations. Reinventing my standard of what I want in a partner with every new relationship that is created.
My first instant with love was far into my childhood when I recognized love as caring for someone who isn’t family. My kindergarten teacher who enjoyed caring for children. It’s funny because I was either too young to continue into first grade or I was struggling with shapes and nursery rhymes. Regardless I spent two years with her, she would repeat lessons, hold my hands and made me feel like I was capable of more.
Grew older to finally having a crush on the nearest person who looked at me with the amount of envy seen on the television when lovers saw each other in a whole different way. Like when Prince Charming first saw Brandy in Cinderella, Aladdin and Jasmine or Simba and Nala. It was then when I stopped praying for less nightmares to asking for a sign that “he” also likes me as much as I did him. When we finally embraced, my mother proceeded to disengage any prospects of learning about romantic love and focus on my studies. Leading me to view love as fantasy, with few examples of intimacy of what love feels like.
Devoid of love, I denounced it, its possibilities and assumed position to ignore my own feelings of love. what does my lonely ass know about love? Well… learned companionship only because started with friendship but I never got that push, that want. Before it got any further the feeling still wasn’t mine, lost or unrealistic.
Now I understand love has elements of trust, communication and longing. To get to the place I am right now, loving and receiving love with all ounces of embarrassment and pride. I practiced self-love and truly reflected my few experiences of love. Most importantly I learned to Leave it behind, Live in the present and love wholeheartedly.
Leave behind the insecurities and baggage that the past relationships have on you, not exclusive to romantic relationships too. If friendships caused you to mistrust and unwanted love, starting with a clean slate will be fair to you and your partner. Live in the present without having large expectations of what goals your relationship should be achieving. Live in the moment and you can’t imagine how beautiful life would be. Love wholeheartedly and you will receive it back, if in your relationship you aren’t receiving the love you deserve, leaving and loving yourself.
Thank you for reading! Please comment below what falling in love felt like.