I woke up feeling shitty, not physically though. More so as a person, woke up feeling a shitty person. School I trashed, work I am mediocre and love, he doesn’t have ownership of the relationship. I woke up kinda late…not so late…but late enough to shower and make it in time to be late and not feel guilty about it. My face is shit, out in the open with barely any hair on my head. Two of your teeth hurt when you brush them. You are trash, you gained weight, can’t even recognize your body, you gave up. You always give up, you don’t take care of yourself. You don’t try, you barely fit into your clothes and you talk big game of how you would buy so many clothes if you had money and yet you don’t. Your parents don’t understand you, they don’t know you. You don’t know you, your brother treated you like shit and you are angry all the time. You ain’t smart, you are just lucky, he’ll will get to know you and girl he will be disappointed. I am not the girl who people dream about. I just got lucky genetically to fill the current body type celebrated in society. But realistically all of me is trash and the more weight you gained, you destroyed the only thing working for you.
Your grades aren’t enough for your grad school plans, how do you know peace corps is for you, what if you hate it, what if it ruins you, your relationships. Others have moved out of their parents house and you are over here struggling to save $2000 for school. Your don’t have money to spend yet you buy food weekly. You are freaking 23 and you are acting like you have all the time in your life to fuck shit up. You are gross, you don’t deserve a second chance, luck, time or success because you are lazy, weak and stupid. No willpower and lack self discipline, all you thought was about how you felt in the relationship and now you overwhelmed your boyfriend to do better. You suck and I hope you remember that.
No! No! Hold Up! That’s not true! I also remember that I have others who support me, I got up from the dread and face the world head on. I know I was nervous and didn’t believe it but I did get better. I am still getting better. My boyfriend loves me, he chooses to be with me as each day comes and I do the same for him. My friends are very supportive and my job provided me with work-parents and mentors. I have been scared but there were people I could tell about it. I go to therapy, use my school resources and my body is mine not anyone else. The opportunities I lost weren’t meant for me, why take away a space for someone it was meant for. I tried it all in college, asked for help and finally found a major I enjoy! That explains why I am what I am and how normal it is to have mental illnesses and still be kickass. Yes, I will tumble and maybe find solace in staying down but I know I can get back up and be great at being myself.
So FUCK YOU! I’ll continue to try and defy everything you throw at me. Depression for me is a tornado of convincing negative thoughts that clouds me with the belief that I am worthless. It’s hard to ignore and can be detrimental to one’s everyday life. So if you are like me, know that there is a way it but YOU need to want it, to fight it. Because no can do the fight for you, they can guide but you have to be the hero of your own story. Understand your depression or any other illnesses and I promise life will begin to have its purpose.
Thank you for reading and do comment below to share self-care tips for those with mental illnesses
Mine: Watching Cartoons, Sofia the First is giving me life!